Children's Corner
Guiding Children Through Grief: Support After a Loss
Caring for a Surviving Child
As in all situations, honesty is the best way to deal with children. Talk to the child in language they can understand. Remember to listen to the child and try to understand what they are saying and, just as importantly, what they are not saying.
Children need to feel that death is an open subject and that they can express their thoughts or questions as they arise. Below are just a few ways adults can help children face the death of someone close to them.
The Child's First Concern May Be, "Who Is Going to Take Care of Me Now?"
- Maintain usual routines as much as possible.
- Show affection and assure the child that those who love them still do and that they will be cared for.
The Child Will Probably Have Many Questions
The child may need to ask the same questions again and again.
- Encourage the child to ask questions and give honest, simple answers they can understand.
- Repeated questions require patience and continued expressions of caring.
- Answers should be based on the needs the child seems to be expressing, not necessarily on the exact words they use.
The Child May Not Know What Behavior Is Appropriate
- Encourage the child to talk about their feelings and share with them how you feel. You are a model for how one expresses feelings.
- It is helpful to cry. It is not helpful to tell a child how they should or should not feel.
- Allow the child to express their caring for you. Loving is both giving and receiving.
The Child May Fear That They Will Also Die
The child may worry that they could also die or that they somehow caused the death.
- Reassure the child about the cause of death and explain that any thoughts they may have had about the person who died did not cause the death.
- Reassure them that this does not mean someone else they love is likely to die soon.
The Child May Wish to Be Part of Family Rituals
- Explain funeral and memorial rituals to the child and include them in deciding how they will participate.
- Prepare the child beforehand and explain what to expect.
- Make sure they have a supportive adult with them.
- Do not force them to do anything they do not feel comfortable doing.
6. The Child May Show Regressive Behavior
A common reaction to stress is reverting to an earlier stage of development. For example, a child may begin thumb-sucking or bed-wetting, or may need to go back into diapers or use a bottle for a time.
Support the child through this process and keep in mind that these regressions are usually temporary.
Adults can help prepare children to deal with future losses of significant people by helping them handle smaller losses, such as sharing their feelings when a pet dies or when death is discussed in a story or on television.
Four Key Concepts to Remember
In helping children understand and cope with death, remember four key concepts:
Be Loving. Be Accepting. Be Truthful. Be Consistent.
Explanations That May Not Help
Adults may sometimes use simple explanations to help a child understand why someone they loved has died. Unfortunately, simple but dishonest answers can increase the fear and uncertainty a child is already feeling.
Children tend to be very literal. For example, if an adult says that "Grandpa or Grandma died because they were old and tired," the child may wonder when they will become too old or tired to live. How tired is tired enough to die?
Consider avoiding explanations such as:
- "Grandpa or Grandma will sleep in peace forever." This explanation may cause a child to become afraid of going to bed or falling asleep.
- "It is God's will." A child may not understand this explanation and may wonder why God would take a loved one. They may even become afraid that God will take someone else they love.
- "Daddy or Mommy went on a long trip and won't be back for a long time." The child may wonder why the person left without saying goodbye. Eventually, they may realize that the person is not coming back and feel that something they did caused the person to leave.
- "John was sick and went to the hospital where he died." The child may need an explanation about the difference between minor illnesses and serious illnesses. Otherwise, they may become extremely fearful if they or someone they love needs to go to the hospital in the future.
How to Help a Child Deal With Loss
- As soon as possible after the death, set aside time to talk to the child.
- Give the child the facts in a simple manner and be careful not to provide too much detail. The child will ask more questions as they arise.
- If you cannot answer their questions, it is okay to say, "I don't know how to answer that, but perhaps we can find someone to help us."
- Use the correct language. Say the words "dead" and "die." Avoid phrases such as "He's sleeping," "God took her," or "He went away."
- Ask questions such as "What are you feeling?" "What have you heard from your friends?" and "What do you think has happened?"
- Explain your feelings to your children, especially if you are crying. Give them permission to cry too. We are their role models, and it is good for children to see our sadness and share our feelings with them.
- Use the given name of the person who died when speaking about them.
- Understand your child's age and level of comprehension and speak at a level they can understand.
- Talk about feelings such as anger, sadness, guilt, fear, tearfulness, depression, or even wishing to die.
- Read a book about death with your child. Consider visiting your local library for resources.
- Read a book about childhood grief so you can better understand what your child may be experiencing.
- Talk about the visitation and funeral. Explain what happens and find out if your child wants to attend with the rest of the family.
- Think about ways your child can say goodbye, such as writing a letter or poem or drawing a picture.
- Talk to your child about your religious beliefs, if appropriate, and what happens to people after they die.
- Invite your child to come back to you if they have more questions or hear rumors so you can help them receive accurate information.
- Talk about memories, both good ones and those that may not be so good.
- Watch for changes in your child's behavior. If they cause concern, seek professional help.
- Watch for frequent bad dreams. Talk about the dreams, as they can be a way for children to release stress.
- Friends, family, and classmates may find solace and comfort in doing something special in memory of the person who died.
- Sudden death, violent death, and the death of a young person can be especially difficult to grieve. Changes in sleep, appetite, and daily activities may be normal responses to an abnormal or unusual event.
Where Do Children Fit In?
Many parents never stop to think about what they will do with their children when a loved one dies. Most wonder who will babysit the children while they attend the funeral.
Excluding children from the funeral may delay their grieving and hinder their ability to deal with death and loss later in life. Here are some practical ideas that may help:
- Create a Drawing: Give children the opportunity to draw a picture of a happy memory they have of the person who died. The picture can be placed in the casket or with the urn.
- Write a Letter: Have the child write a letter to the person who died. This gives the child an opportunity to say, "I love you" one more time and to say goodbye. The letter can be placed in the casket or with the urn.
- Choose Flowers: A child can pick flowers from the garden at home or choose flowers to place in or on the casket or beside the urn.
